Let me tell you why I am the worst person ever.

I don't tell people anything when things go wrong because I THINK I can solve it on my own - and what's the point of saying it, and making things unhappy and awkward between you and them, right? You're forced to face the problem and then attempt to amicably work out a solution that could perhaps remove this one heckuva load on your chest, and place it on the oblivious, unsuspecting person involved.

But let me tell you, the force is good. Because by not talking about it and pretending that 'everything is fine' is not fine at all. You think it's just you, overthinking and over-feeling every god dammed emotion because you've technically never felt this way before. No, it isn't. You try to analyze the situation but you end up overanalyzing yourself and it drives you insane because you realize you're not a good person after all. It WILL snowball and you WILL unknowingly keep taking points off this person. And then one day,

you'll crash and burn. You'll burn so bad that all the iodine solutions and burn creams in the world will never ever be able to heal you ever again. You can't even get to the scarring stage of recovery because you'll just keep burning. Those burn pains will fucking remind you about that very specific moment you let your fucking walls down.

Some walls are absolutely unnecessary. But some walls are required to keep your silver of a sanity in place.

i gave you my gun
i gave you my gun
i gave you my gun

because the person who makes you the happiest has the ability to make you feel hurt like you've never felt any other form of emotions before.

it's the infinite second of pain running on for about 25 years and it's just the first minute.

This close to OD-ing on coffee. I think the excessive amount of caffeine I consume is starting to have adverse effects on me. Chronic headaches are back and they make my head throb like a heart on 180bpm. Gastric attacks are more frequent and intense. And because on Saturdays, I'm at Tiong Bahru, I've been spending unnecessary money on $7 coffees when I could have just bought a Kopi O kosong at a mere $0.80.

And the ironic thing is that I drink that to survive, when in actual fact it has been sneakily cutting off years from my non-existent life. Mitch credits these to my unhealthy lifestyle habits such as irregular eating (or he would like to say 'YOU DON'T EVEN EAT?!'), 7 day work week, reluctance to consume food after a game, and my sleep-late-wake-up-early hours.

My head hurts as I speak.

Emotions - they're a salty affair.

Is that all right to give my gun away when it's loaded

I've never believed that hearts can break. Because biologically speaking, the heart is one of the main organs that share the important and essential function of keeping one alive. And to say that 'my heart is breaking' is pretty much a hyperbole because if it were to break away from your body, you would literally be dead.

But as I've recently made a couple of alarming decisions - which sometimes I feel, are one of the best leaps of faith I've ever made, and on other times, maybe something I could do without, I began to rethink the entire concept of a breaking heart.

It's real. Hearts can break. Not the physical heart, but this Emotion heart which seems to take up the same space as your physical one, can break. It's like the soul of your physical heart. And the thing about it is that it doesn't break THAAAT easily. It aches sometimes, over situations that you have no power over - mostly merely hearsay, but enough to cause a wave of unnecessary ache across your chest. Right between your lungs, it hits deep as it churns your inside, and thoughts that you know you shouldn't be having. You feel a lump at the back of your throat as it climbs its way up the walls of your neck, reaching the windows of your soul - only to come out as droplets of salty liquid.

And on certain mornings, I thank my lucky stars that everyone in the train are all pretty occupied with their smartphones, oblivious to their surroundings and deaf to the breaking of the hearts.

maybe i've been too chilling in life to the extent that I forgot to tell myself to not have expectations in other aspects of my life.

so here you go, timely reminder.

oh, and happy fucking birthday. i hope you remember why you dislike birthdays so much.