Happy Birthday Singapore!

When I was much younger, or rather, before I started travelling, I used to really dislike staying in Singapore. I would complain about the erratic weather, - especially the blazing sun, the rigidity of our education system, the rudeness of some Singaporeans and how Singapore was just plain boring.

But ever since I started travelling to more places besides Malaysia and the neighbouring countries, I started appreciating Singapore as a whole. It wasn't that Singapore got better during the period when I wasn't in town, but rather, I've learnt to overlook the nitty gritty rules that were implemented solely for our safety, the betterment for our people. The weather here, at the very least, is predictable. It's either rain or shine. We don't have to worry about extreme weather conditions such as hail or sleet (which would totally require a whole new set of armour to combat those). Rules were placed on the smallest thing such as spitting/littering - which is fortunate because zero personal hygiene is just horrible for many. I am very thankful for the fact that I can roam around the streets at night without having to worry for my safety, and that I can dress (almost) as freely as I want - which usually means shorts and tee. Some countries publicly despise females donning such 'indecent' gear. On their religion basis, it is wrong to dress as such. But I am thankful for religious tolerance within Singapore, and that we can all live relatively harmoniously with everyone.

People always compare Singapore to other places that they've been to, and claim that if the other countries can do this, so can Singapore - for example, road taxes. But from a non-political point of view, other countries have different geographical layouts that can enable them to do things differently. So, instead of comparing, we should learn of the reasonings behind these differences.

The other cities I've visited were nothing short of stunning. People were nice, buildings were gorgeous, beaches were ethereal, and a different kind of weather - which always made me excited while planning for the trip.

However, I've come to realise that the best flights I've taken, were always the ones coming back home.

Happy Birthday Singapore,
And thank you Mr Lee Kuan Yew for all of these.

#15yearsmorethenyoucantakeCPFliao!

F.A.M.I.L.Y.

I have my Mom on Facebook, and while most people would feel that it isn't a smart move accepting the friend request from your mother (it doesn't even make sense.), I'm absolutely okay with her lurking around my account.

Well, initially, it felt a little too close for comfort because she would literally look out for my once in a blue moon posts, and ask me about it in person. She would like ALL pictures of me and my friends and then ask me who was that guy and where did we go. I never liked explaining what I did or where am I going - but for my parents, I concede to their persistent requests (aka nagging).

But just a couple minutes ago, I began to see her Facebook presence in a new light.

I just graduated and am in the midst of searching for a full time job. It sounds tedious, but it is nothing tedious. It's fucking tiring and emotionally draining. Each job I see, I'll worry about how it is not related to my field of study and if I'm able to perform at that job. Have I just wasted all these years studying something that will never be utilised in the near future? Did I just torture myself for the past few years, and pay a large sum of money just to be tortured by sleepless nights of project deadlines? Will the pay be good enough because I want and need to take care of my parents WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN SENT MY CV.  YES. WHAT AM I THINKING ALL THESE FOR.

I'll leave these epiphanies for another day.

So, I came across this article about how we should know when to walk away and start something new. I've yet to read it, but thought I'd share the article on Facebook for my future reference because I've been feeling so jaded recently.

And my Mom liked it within 5 minutes.

Now the thing is that my mother, isn't fantastic in the English language. She's great at conversational English but reading it... nah let's not go there. My eyebrows furrowed a little when I saw her like on that article because I could bet with my life that she didn't read it at all, and yet she liked it anyway.

But something struck a chord in me - no matter what I do, my Mom will always support me. Even if she doesn't understand why I did it. She'll always be with me. And that's something not many can do. I'm not even sure if I can do such a thing. But looking back on my rollercoaster ride of life, my Mom has indeed sat through with me throughout this wild ride - and of course smacking and nagging at me along the way. Whereas my Dad would be sitting in the car right behind us, occasionally peeping out from his newspaper making sure that my Mom and I are still seated with our seat belts on, and that we are still moving in the right direction. He lets us do our thang.

Wow. Who knew a virtual thumbs up could lead to such epiphanies.

I began to realise why I indulge in small, and quite possibly superficial things to make me happy. Maybe this is because I subconciously recognise the fact that I will never, ever be truly happy on a large scale basis.

I'm getting more and more disappointing as the clock ticks by.

Happiness, easy to say but hard to achieve.

You're welcome.

Bus Rides

I'd usually take two buses whenever I commute to work - which happens on a daily basis. By taking the second bus, it brings me nearer to my work place and I'll walk lesser. The commuting time doesn't feel as long because afterall, the total duration will be divided equally between the two bus rides. I mean, I could take just the first bus and it will still allow me to reach my workplace. Just that it stops around the vicinity and I have to walk quite a fair bit. Sometimes I whine a little because I'm just too tired for walks.

But the downside to taking two buses, is the waiting time. The second bus is rarely on time. No matter how much I try to check its timing before leaving, or how early I reach, I can never reach just in time for it - making me later for work all the damn time. I tried to make things work, but all I got was being fooled around. It says it will be here, but it never arrives. And very much often, I'll have to board the same bus from my first ride, making me spend extra and waste even more time. But there are times where I'll wait, and wait, and wait patiently for the second bus to arrive. But it never fails to disappoint.

Recently I've been taking just the first bus despite taking two buses for the past half a year. I guess it's independence. Apparently I don't require the help of the second bus as much as I thought I'd need. Now it can continue lying to people whereas I can be free.

After some time, I think it becomes more than a bus ride.

It becomes a way of life.

Different Levels of Devastation

Throughout the years, and all the birthdays that were celebrated, one doesn't really feel a change of any sorts from the year before. We often say "I don't feel any difference," and true enough, one year is such a short time to feel any substantial change - especially towards the way of life, when you are practically in your way of life on a daily basis. This could perhaps also be attributed to the fact that changes are like waves, gradual and calming, and unknowingly we accept them.

But I found out that one of the better ways of determining whether you've grown up, is perspective. Like a series of unfortunate events, everyone has an episode where things that are less than favorable are happening in their lives. What makes it worse, is that how slyly repetitive these things are. They just keep recurring in various situations, pretending to be different when in actual fact, they are exactly what happened before.

And the difference between then and now is clearly display through the way we respond to these similar situations, and that is when you realise what made you devastated in your previous years, seemed like nothing right now.

English, please.

I need to be more disciplined in this life of mine, especially so when there are so many roles to assume. I'm constantly so tired, quite possibly from everything that's happening in sync. It gets a little hard to catch up at times because I'm like 'whuaaaat is going on?' 

I need more time and besides the absolute fact that i just bought two watches in a desperate attempt to buy a little bit more time for myself, nothing seems concrete in my life. 

มีแต่แผลที่อยู่กลางใจฉัน ที่มันไม่เปลี่ยนไป

School, with work, has started

And I am nothing short of tired.

Then it struck upon me,

That this is how it's gonna be.

For the rest of our lives,

Till we all die.

Think I need more time,

To come up with better rhymes.

Because when I try too hard,

It makes me wanna barf.

Heard it all a million times.

Just like the holidays, some things are almost over.

Whole new level of ridiculous.

Do you know what's worse than rejection?

When you have the whole world in your hands, but you have to give it away due to circumstances that you absolutely have no control of.

Welcome to this thing we all call life - something that you've been blindly looking forward to, Ms Lynette Lee.

I sincerely hope you enjoy your fucking stay here.

Much love,
The Uni-fucking-verse.

Through times like these, one would realise that they are truly alone. No matter how many friends you hang out with, or how many parties you get invited to, 

You are still alone. 

Infact, being alone is already an understatement. Your mind goes through this entire traumatic realization that you're alone and proceeds to register this status of yours in every possible aspect of your life. 

You're physically alone

You're emotionally alone

And when people tell you they know how you feel, you reach a whole new level of 'alone.'

How is it possible that there are 6billion homosapiens in this world, but one can yet still feel so alone?

Human Expiration Date

Names are an identity that we have been 'labeled' with since the first day we were born. And throughout the years, we often hear things like 'you look like a Lynette' or 'you look like a Randy.'

I guess that also means that we gradually assume this identity and form up this intangible impression of how a <insert name> would be. 

How about this? Let's up this game of life further by simply adhering to the first thing that comes to your mind based on the initials of your first name. Whatever 'L' word I can think of at this moment. Right at this moment. And with that in mind: 

I'll make a left turn and you'll make a right. One year of laughter probably changed my perspective on life quite a bit. But lets just keep walking down in different directions while I drop off scenes of us along the way. It doesn't matter, doesn't it? You won't be on the same path anyway, and the random passerbys who might pick these scenes from wherever, wouldn't have a clue about what happened. 

I fervently believe that everybody has an expiry date and people tentatively Iast about 1.5 years in my life before I take a step back from them 

And you, I choose to expire myself on you because I know you'll never expire and I'll never back off from you. 

but time waits for no one, and an expiration has to occur. It was nice having you in my life for the past year. I don't think I'll meet anyone who shares so much chemistry with me. 

Some people are meant to fall in love, and never end up together.

I chanced upon something in my head today while moping around in my room because of the overwhelming exposure to people and fyp, and I thought that it'd be nice to just share this over here before I drown in my own blood for this remaining week of FYP.

On the plus side, I had a few good moments and perhaps I'll upload more pictures once I'm done with this shit - it's like constipation, but maybe more like constipation in a cockroach infested toilet cubicle that has doors that are a little far from reach.

When you're gone - which is soon, by the way. I can feel it because my mind and body reacts pretty well to impending doom that I've been feeling it since the start of the day one. The irony would be that nobody really knew when was day one. But since it's gonna end, it doesn't really matter when did it start - but rather when will it end.

Soon.

So, when you're gone, these are things that I'll do:

1. Chop off my hair
2. Messy-dip-dye it with unicorn colors
3. Start up a movement
4. Do up my portfolio (web/print) proper
5. Tan it up
6. Go for a beach party
7. Switch my smartphone to a normal phone
8. Deactivate facebook (for awhile)
9. Finish 1 book per week
10. Buy a classical guitar
11. Apply for the next intake at an overseas university
12. Gym all day, errday
13. Not talk about you to people
14. Wear heels and dresses
15. Be pretty all day, errday
16. Draw things that reminds me of you and make it into a publication
17. Go for a concert
18. Watch all the movies that we said we would together
19. Never ever bake oreo brownies again (till:02 May 2015)
20. Get drunk and wasted
21. Bawl my eyes one last time for you
22. Tell people I like girls
23. Never highfive anybody
24. Dislike everything you like
25. Delete your number in my phone
26. Delete all of your pictures in my phone
27. Go on a date with this other guy who has been there throughout what we had
28. Chance upon a song that reminds me of you
29. Memorise it,
30. Play it well on guitar,
31. Record it, and upload to youtube
32. Never have friends over
33. Lose 5kg in whatever way
34. Wear all the clothes that you once said I look good in and then sell/throw/donate them off
35. Get a tattoo 
36. Forget to eat meals and forget about remembering them
37. Delete our whatsapp convo
38. And all of your pics and videos in my phone
39. Never ever paste stickers on my phone
40. Create another list and swear by it

Little bit more

Just. Completed. A. Run. After. 12 centuries.

And the thing about running is that it's kind of hard to get me out of the house for runs, but the aftermath of the run - oh my, it makes me fall in love with everyone.

Everyone aside, i'm getting more and more hideous looking and I strongly believe that it is most probably due to the fact that I have some horribly bad thoughts about everything that's going on in my life right now. And the bad isn't the 'I wanna kill your family' kind of bad, but more of the 'I am a pathetic at living' kind of bad. But whatever it is, it's still bad. 

When we were born on this earth, it seems like God gave us only one job to do, and that is to live life. And God is probably looking at me right now, this specimen he created, and sighing, saying , 'you only had one job.'

I know. Gimme some time. I'll be back up in a jiffy. I'm going through some form of life crisis - mid for the negative, quarter for the positive. 

But on a more serious note, I'm getting fatter and uglier as the clock ticks by. 

Conversations over coffee

Because whatever we have right now will cease to exist after this very second. Everything becomes a part of this collective memory that we store within our heads, only to be reviewed after some time and by then, bits and pieces would have also faded away.

That is the sad, yet beautiful part of memories.

Start a revolution from my bed

Sometimes I wish I was an open book, so that there can be lesser misunderstandings, lesser sarcasm-exchange, and lesser heartbreaks.

Sometimes, I also wish that I can continue building my great wall of Lynette to the Moon and never come back - just so that everyone can leave me alone.

Sometimes, I don't know what I want either.

But it's okay, because this is life, and I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm still trying to grasp what has been going on and what will be going on.

Because in the end, everything is going to be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

But there's also this part of me that don't want things to just be merely okay. I want to end things in a fantastic manner - a manner that I can look at in the future and say 'yeah, the ending was well worth the fucking torture I placed myself through' 

So, I think I need to shut up with the 'buts' and 'what ifs,' and get my ass on this entire pile of shit that I have to complete.

I'm gonna end this with a bang.

This is for you

You died in my arms. You died in my arms! You freakin’ died, and then you left instructions that I wasn’t allowed to save your life. 

You wanna know what I’m scared of? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared to move. I’m scared to breathe. I’m scared to touch you. I can’t lose you. I won’t survive. And that’s your fault. You made me love you, you made me let you in. 

And then you freaking died in my arms.

I'm scared.

The coming of the most wonderful time of the year.

Everything is starting to look like Christmas already, and I can't help but wonder how this year is going to end.

I wish I brought my book to read during work today. So in substitution, I bought a packet of reduced sugar soyamilk from cheers and read all of its contents and nutritional value. I. Know. Right. Fancypants much, and I reckon that this passage is going to consist of alot of 'and's and things that don't make sense - welcome to my life because most of the time, my life doesn't make much sense to me and it gets a little depressing at times. I was so green today. I thought I could be a little colorful because it's saturday and I'm always colorful on saturdays, but today, I was just green, and more green - very unexpected epiphany that I'm gonna stab myself for. Guess sometimes when you think you're special, you get too absorbed in this entire bubble of false uniqueness. It doesn't exist and I'm not that special afterall. Like what I always say, why bother having such high expectations when all that's waiting are just waves of disappointments crashing through you. I mean, like there wasn't enough phases of disappointments in the past 23 years of my life. Good Lord, I'm growing older every second and I'm seeing too much of the ugly and too little of pretty. But I guess through the ugly, I differentiate the pretty. And amazingly, there're alot of pretty people in my life. I hope they have pretty lives to live on, especially on days that I'm not there. I shouldn't have felt green today. Saturday mornings on the lawn are gonna be really rare for me when school starts, so  I should really start treasuring what's left and...

carpe the freaking diem

Pain Demands To Be Felt

I feel better when I'm down.

Perhaps when feeling all happy and elated, I tend to get clouded by optimism to the point of being too delusional with everything in life. It's a tad scary, but I must say that it felt quite good to be living in the moment, being all bouncy and happy, and delusional.

And funny how sadness derives from happiness, and vice-versa. It is very heartbreaking to realise that first hand, but I'd take that as a lesson - a really harsh lesson.

You see, I have walls around me. I lay them up really well with solid foundations and they are fully justified for. Ask me anything about my walls, and I'll provide you with a decent answer, an answer that I'm happy to reply you with. These past few years, I tried playing around with them, I took down a few bricks, laid them up again, tried changing positions, etc. And that was when, I realised that I was the most vulnerable at. You might say it's a placebo effect - I won't fight you, because I think I'd semi-consciously agree to that. But one thing is for sure that when walls are down, you get hurt. And might I just add some salt to my own injury - you brought the walls down yourself. 

I feel a little like T.Swift because she writes and sings about her past relationships - which is totally a-okay. However, it gets a little eyebrow-raising when she's constantly seeing new guys, and then writing about them, publicising the much chased-after romance. Don't quote me for that, I am just like anyone who surfs the net - absorbing information and only filtering them out when I feel qualified to do so, and at this point of my life, I am far from qualified to complete any discerning of information.

Far from qualified.

So yeah, I bring walls down to get hurt by people, so that I can find the space in this one heckova of maze in my head to write something analogical. I feel like shit, but if this is the only way for my mind to release some form of insanity due to the torture I've been putting myself through, I'd gladly do this over and over again.

p.s.: i still hate you. x

I think you should understand something

I get scared too. Whenever I'm alone, I have a very bad habit of allowing darkness to engulf me - not totally, as I would like to think of it. While it's easy to tell myself to snap out of it, it's not easy to just snap out of it. 

It lingers.

And the process and aftermath - it's not fun at all.

All good things come to an end

Have I used this title before, somewhere in the previous posts alongside with a couple of 'whaddafug is she talking about' posts, buried by the sudden seemingly happy posts that I've been trying to churn out but to no avail? It's not that I forgot about this space in the month of July. I have about 5 pending drafts that I typed last month, but never had any guts to publish them.

So much for my friends calling me the girl with balls of steel, about 24hours ago. It was a happy occasion. And about everyday, I pray and wish for such happiness. Fortunately for me, after years of wishing and praying, I got a double combo last night - played touch rugby with an awesome group of humans, and met a new guy friend who said I look Thai and I was super amazed by the fact that he did not laugh at me for liking the Thai Band - Potato, and instead, he sang my fav Thai song! So awesome please.  I could approximately die right now, and have no regrets in life.

#justkidding (about the dying part)

All good things come to an end. Especially really good ones - they end faster.

Imagine something legit and solid came flying from nowhere and smacked right down at your fleeting life, creating moments that you never thought would have ever experienced in your entire life - and because of the existence of this thing, you did. While you were used to this zero gravity lifestyle before this heavy thing landed, this new weight was really refreshing and much appreciated. It's quite hard to explain this, but you actually yearn for its existence continuously. It was like as if you were perpetually on cloud nine, and you wanted to be your best all the time, in everything you do.

The higher you fly, the harder you fall. 

(I know it sounded like a perfect sweet story for me to continue on, but no. Happily Ever After doesn't exist okay)

I'm cleaning my wounds and building higher walls now. Should probably just major in construction, or first aid.