still figuring it out

Since forever, I've always had this thought in my mind - that I'll never ever befriend such a person like myself. If I were to view myself from another person, I'll never ever smile at myself, or even look at her, simply just because.

I thought that this was because I really disliked certain parts of myself. There's nothing really interesting that's worth a second look, or probably even a first look. Even as a friend, I fail pretty much. I disappear much too often for much too long period of time. Recently, I read this book about this girl, who kept disappearing randomly and then come back to socialise (albeit awkwardly) with the world. The main reason why she disappeared, was because she wanted somebody to find her. Then I question myself if that was something I was yearning for as well - somebody to just find me. 

But today, in the middle of mountains of assignments and while spending time with my beloved laptop and trying to churn out some rather discernible idea for tomorrow's class, I have this sudden, not too pleasant epiphany, that I don't want anybody to find me when I disappear.

And that I wouldn't befriend myself - not because I hated, or rather, dislike myself, but simply, simply, because, I know I'd be happier alone and free from any forms of tangible commitments and responsibilities - as irresponsibly despondent as that sounds, I have to admit that I hate responsibilities.

I don't want anybody to find me because I need to find myself.
Maybe I dropped myself along the way.